


Inevitable

by Glyssando



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon Universe, Character Development, Fluff, Gay, Gen, Multi, My First Fanfic, Mystery, One-Sided Attraction, Plot, Plot Twists, Romance, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, TS Short Characters, cryptic, edginess, gets more cryptic gradually, going to have lots of chapters, i have to be really vague in the tags, too much tagging would give spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-06-28 18:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15712374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glyssando/pseuds/Glyssando
Summary: Thomas had a happy, rounded, wholesome life until Deceit showed up and destroyed any balance that previously existed. Relationships are broken, new ones are formed, and life takes on new meaning as the events that started that day snowball and gradually change everything. We always knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of time. And now nothing will ever be the same.This story starts with Deceit. But it ends with you. It's a story of trust, heartbreak, love, longing, deception, isolation, backstabbing and all the other things that make us human. It's the story of Thomas Sanders and the Sides that make him whole.





	1. On the Verge

This story started with Deceit. Where else could it have possibly started? What else had been more interesting in the impossible, inconceivable, ordinary, usual life of Thomas Sanders that was worth opening a notebook and sitting for hours on end writing word after word, no matter how inconsequential by themselves, to form a large picture, a whole life, a completed, finite story?

Nothing.

Thomas’ life hadn’t been perfect. No one’s ever is. Small, mostly insignificant dilemmas had cropped up along the way like roadblocks on the route to true serenity, but they had been quickly and almost faultlessly resolved before they could cause any damage. The rest of the time, Thomas was content in his life, and maintained a positive but realistic state of mind with the help of his four Sides: Creativity, Logic, Morality, Anxiety. Roman, Logan, Patton, Virgil. And up until the beginning of the chain of events that tore everything apart like an earthquake in an uninsured mansion, they seemed to be the only four Sides that Thomas had, that Thomas needed, to be stable, unbiased and happy.

That’s why Deceit’s appearance was such a mystery, a shock and a threat, all combined to form on sinister and deeply uncomfortable package. The Sides didn’t even know if he had a real name, or even if he wanted one, so they were forced to address him by the one characteristic they were sure he carried. Deception: The ability to lie convincingly in any situation, no matter how tough. Even just the knowledge of his existence meant that Thomas – sweet, caring Thomas – had a darker side to him, one that even he was unaware of.

So of course Deceit made Virgil… anxious. Having only learnt a few months ago that he could have a good, trusting relationship with the other Sides, the snake’s sudden appearance put everything he had learnt in jeopardy. If Deceit could hide from Thomas for so long, what else could hide from him? Thomas could be in so much danger, and he wouldn’t even know it! So Virgil didn’t know what to do. He wanted to warn him; tell him how scared he was; tell him all the things that could possibly go wrong, but he knew that - without proof - anything is possible. Deceit could just be an anomaly. Or he could not be. He just didn’t know, but he shouldn’t make Thomas unnecessarily anxious.

So what did he do?

He stayed in his room, basking in the glorious serenity that only solitude brought him. His headphones were his shield to the outside world, and the music transported him to a new, distant land - somewhere where surprises had been abolished and there was nothing to be scared of. He found peace and protection in the lyrics that drifted into his ears. Sometimes he heard knocks at his door, but he ignored them in favour of the drum beats that pounded rhythmically, never changing speed, never becoming as unsteady and frantic as his heartbeat. He wanted to stay in his special land forever, wanted to lie under one of the trees that gets old but never dies, wanted to spend eternity under the everlasting shade that it casts.

But eventually, Virgil did get a visit. He mostly expected Patton to be the one to break him out of his anxious reverie, however the boy that dramatically kicked open his door, busting the lock, and strode in with an instantly recognisable swagger in his step, all while skilfully holding two Starbucks cups without spilling a single drop was none other than Remy, who represented Thomas’ sleep.

“Gurl, if you stay in your room any longer, I swear you’re going to get even paler!” he exclaimed, but then his voice grew softer and more reassuring. “Honestly, Virge, I’m kinda worried about you. Deceit’s arrival shook us all, but it’s clearly hit you the hardest by far and none of us really know why. Everyone is worried sick. Patton and Logan wanted to come in here, but they were scared they would be invading your privacy, and Roman…isn’t exactly a fan of your room’s effect on him.”

A mental image of the prince wearing Virgil’s signature eyeshadow was enough to encourage a half-chuckle to fall out of his mouth, but it ended up sounding more like a helpless, heartbroken sob. Remy had never heard anything so pitiful. He sat down on the bed next to Virgil and was silent for a short period of time. He didn’t really know what to do: Patton was usually the best at dealing with emotions – after all, he was Thomas’ morality. There was no amount of black clouds that the bubbly moral Side couldn’t chase away with a smile and a cheesy dad joke. Remy had no chance of replicating that, so he instead did the only thing he knew how to do, and passed Virgil one of the cups.

It’s funny how such a small gesture could hold so much meaning, but the warm cup of coffee that was placed into Virgil’s hands was so much more than just a caffeine boost – it was a token of care, appreciation, and a demonstration that at least one person cares enough about him that they are willing to share with him the secrets of how they cope in life, despite that being one of the most personal things ever. The cup made his hands tingle with a mixture of heat and hope, and the smell that seeped through the lid and permeated the air gave him visions of safety and comfort.

Virgil drank every last drop.

The bitterness felt magnificent and he could feel his clouded mind begin to clear immediately. There was no sugar in the drink (everyone knew he was too edgy for that), but Virgil had never tasted anything so sweet. He didn’t thank Remy. He didn’t, in fact, say anything at all. He just smiles, fully, genuinely, for the first time in a long while.

Remy could’ve asked if the anxious Side wanted to talk to him about Deceit, or how he felt, or even just make stupid small talk that was clearly meaningless, but both boys knew that wasn’t what either of them wanted. Instead, they just sat on the bed for what could’ve been minutes, hours, centuries or forever letting the comfortable silence embrace them and carry messages between the pair that were impossible to phrase in any dialect – past, present or even future: they were communicating via the language of emotions. Sometimes Remy jerked or muttered something incomprehensible under his breath, as if fighting an instinct buried deep inside him that was screaming at him to make conversation or say something sassy, but he always stopped himself, stayed silent, never broke apart the unison at which their breaths had fused into, as effortless as the first kiss of soulmates.

The only place the pair existed at that moment was under a nondescript tree in a land that was nowhere in particular, where time never passed, the shade was their stoic, omnipresent bodyguard, and two empty paper cups bearing an iconic logo lay discarded next to a pile of dead, fallen branches like two new acquaintances in a deep and distant daydream.


	2. Dealing With Deceit

Patton stood in front of a mirror in a room that was not his own. He was standing freakishly still and wore an uncharacteristic smirk on his face like a dark disguise. The Side was clearly Patton, but something seemed… twisted about him, as if he was a completely new person in the same body. Thousands of these Pattons littered the room gracefully, all looking into their respective mirrors with the same smirk. In fact, the whole room was filled only with Pattons, mirrors, and a sort of hazy smoke that drifted lazily around the room with a snakelike slyness, occasionally obscuring one of the smirking Pattons.

As one of them sighed softly, all the others followed suit in a grim pattern of despair.

“He really doesn’t suit me, does he?” he murmured to himself, and though the others made no noise, their mouths moved along with him. Then, with an almost underwhelming flash, Patton was gone and someone else stood in his place.

Logan stood in front of a mirror in a room that was not hi…  
Roman stood in front of a mirror in a room t…  
Virgil stood in front of a mirr…  
Patton stood in fr…  
LoganRomanVirgilPattonLoganRomanVirgilPatton

With each flash, a new Side stood in front of the mirror in a room that was not their own, except one. One Side which, in this situation, would be the most genuine one there, despite it being such a large contradiction. Four true Sides and a liar. Four lies and the truth. In this situation, the truth and the liar were one in the same; they blurred the lines that separated possible and impossible in a grand show of manipulation.

“No one plays these parts better than they do,” the boy murmured again. “How am I supposed to reach their level of potential when all I can do is pretend to be someone else?”

-

Meanwhile, the real Patton was sitting in the mindscape, thinking. Not really thinking about anything in particular; just letting his mind wander between different topics, most namely food: he was actually quite hungry. Despite being a Side, and therefore human functions like eating and gym visits being completely unnecessary, Patton was a huge fan of baking. Just last week, Roman lectured him on leaving flour on every surface in the kitchen, especially since “you literally live in Thomas’ head. It only takes one second to imagine it away!” He wished he had a better excuse, but the moral Side had a habit of completing a task and moving on to the next one straight away. Not that the things he did would seem productive to anyone else - Patton always had quite a loose definition of a task. Last time ‘Dad’s Dictionary’ had been seen, the entry read:

“Task, noun. Something I can do that I find really fun but might make Roman mad at me.”

Next to the entry was a small doodle of a cat.

Anyway, Patton stood up and walked into the kitchen, deciding to bake some chocolate muffins. He could just summon them himself, but he loved the process of baking; loved watching the separate, different ingredients come together to make something truly wonderful. It also acted as a great distraction for him at the times when his usual happiness began to slip. Watching cocoa powder mix into flour was a surprisingly hypnotic experience.

However, that day was different. The intrusive thoughts polluted his mind like the darkness of the cocoa powder as it gradually tainted the flour with every mix. He was really worried about Virgil. He’d last seen the boy about three days ago, and he was desperate to comfort him, but half of him – the slightly more rational part – knew that the anxious Side needed space.

He hadn’t objected to Remy going in, but that was only because he had the confidence to open Virgil’s metaphorical, imaginary and literal door that led to both his room and his sanity. He’d offered all of the Sides coffee before he summoned some for the two of them, but none of the others were a fan of the bitter liquid at all. Patton was more of an orange squash kind of guy, whereas Roman loved anything fizzy. As for Logan? He made sure to always drink water, except on the rare occasions that he felt slightly frisky. On those days, he added a tiny amount of sugar-free elderflower cordial to his glass.

Virgil and Remy both shared the same taste in drinks; they always chose coffee. The former liked the bitter taste, because it made him (as described by Roman) “impossibly edgier”, but the latter mainly seemed to drink it in order to stay vigilant and awake when Thomas refused to sleep. The actual caffeine didn’t seem to affect him, but it acted as a placebo, just like reading a book gives Logan motivation, but not extra knowledge – the books only contain what Thomas knows.

Patton was so glad that someone could be there to sit with Virgil when his optimism and bubbly personality weren’t right for the situation, but a selfish part of him was still desperately hoping that he could see Virgil soon. He loved and cherished him the same was a father loves his incredibly angsty and self-deprecating teenage son: he was fiercely protective of him and couldn’t stand him being unhappy.

“Surely you’ve stirred that enough!”

He was focussing so hard on his thoughts that when he heard the voice, he let out a little squeak that was so adorable it could’ve been emitted by a tiny mouse. There was a pause.

“Oh. Sorry if I startled you.” Logan said, walking further into the kitchen.

Patton looked down, and, sure enough, the flour and cocoa powder were thoroughly combined, and looked like they had been for a while. He turned around and smiled at Logan, trying to snap out of the daze he had accidentally drifted into.

“Hey Logan, how ya doing?”

The other Side gave him a deadpan look; the one which had become his signature expression because of its frequent use.

“Patton, I thought we told you that it’s alright to tell us when you’re hurting”.

The boy shrugged slightly awkwardly, before his smile began to recede into a straight line.

“I… I just don’t want to let Thomas down by being unhappy. He didn’t cause this – not directly – so he shouldn’t suffer. And if I’m not happy, then all of you won’t be happy, because I help cheer you all up, and I want you to be happy. You deserve to be. You’re all such great people, and I just-

“Stop. Calm down. Take some deep breaths, Pat. It’s alright. Everything is fine.”

“But is it really? Is anything really? How can the world be alright if I’m not alright? How can anyone be alright if I don’t do my job and make them happy?”

He was shaking slightly, and small tears were forming in the corners of his eyes.

“No. It doesn’t matter that you are Morality. None of that matters now. It would be awful for your health if you forced yourself to act happy all the time. Sometimes you need to be selfish and indulge in your own sadness instead of striving for other people’s happiness. Other people are nowhere near as important as yourself, and if you believe that they are, then you should step back immediately and re-establish your bonds with yourself, your interests, and the other things that make you… you!”

There was a raging fire in his eyes that only ever appeared when he was completely sure of a fact (which, surprisingly, didn’t happen that often at all. Logan was especially sensitive when it came to certainty). He only tended to step out of his neutral state when it was a matter of upmost importance.

“So, Patton, tell me what’s wrong.”

He sniffed a couple of times, then summoned a tissue with a tired wave of his hand.

“I’m scared, Lo. I’m really scared about… Virge. That poor kiddo has been through so much since he started getting involved in Thomas’ life. I haven’t seen him for three whole days, and that’s a lot – even for him. Normally he comes out of his room to have a break from his MCR playlist, but I’ve heard absolutely nothing from him. I’m terrified that he will put up all his walls again and lose all the wonderful progress he made with us in becoming part of our group. I love him so much, Lo. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. I would rather lose a part of myself.”

Logan froze and a look of shock flashed across his face.

“Morality Sanders. Why didn’t you tell anyone about this earlier? You need to take proper care of yourself, and if that means breaking your façade, then it is imperative that you break it.”

“D-do you really mean that?”

“Of course”, he replied, settling back into his typical scientific mind-set, “It’s entirely logical. If your friends don’t let you have off-days to care for yourself, then they are the worst kind of friends.” He snapped his fingers confidently and brought Patton’s recipe book into his hands. “Now, let’s abolish those bad thoughts. How about I read this recipe aloud, whilst you finish making these cupcakes?”

Scrape

Scrape

Scrape

Roman’s hands danced expertly across the sword, which shone brightly in the sunlight of his room, but was now covered in small scratches and was a dull grey. His hands were gloveless – his hands needed unimpeded mobility, and so his grip on the sandpaper was firm and unbreakable. The sword lay on an extraordinarily flat patch of grass – one that was formed specifically for the activity of sword cleaning – and its blade pointed away from him, as if protecting its master even when being maintained.

For a rare period of time, the prince’s room was mostly silent – apart from the scraping of paper on steel at a satisfyingly unchanging tempo. Roman’s mind, however, was humming with activity, even though his face remained in its normal resting position. An outsider would be unable to tell that his mind was absent from the simple task he was performing.

‘It’s been three days’, he thought to himself. ‘As much as I care for Virgil, shouldn’t we start to focus on other things now?’

Roman was the creative Side, obviously, but he was also a prince, and princes loved attention. He hated to admit it, but with everyone’s attention focused on the anxious Side, he actually felt quite… lonely. There, he said it. Or at least thought it. Even if he didn’t, or though he didn’t, it has been recorded that he did. That’s the magic of storytelling.  
The prince was lonely.

It felt like such a massive contradiction, but it was unfortunately true. He had no idea why Virgil was so shaken by Deceit, and Roman was struggling to keep a level head on the matter. Part of him – the confident prince – wanted to demand the others to stop beating around the bush and actually ask what was wrong, so all their conversations could stop being so Virgil-centric. He always stopped himself, though; a different part of him – the part that was more partial to caring for his family – knew that he had to also work for the greater good to be a true prince, so he should give the Side all the time he needed before helping the others to restore the vague normality which usually drifted around the mindscape, a refreshing breeze which carried away tension.

Arguing with himself was so irritating, though.

That’s why he had spent the past three days in his room. He threw himself into training, and often was so pent up with stress that he practiced the same move for a whole hour without taking a break. His muscles never nearly needed rests. He could train non-stop for a whole year if he wanted to, but he never did: It would eventually get boring, Thomas would eventually need to talk to him at some point, and, most importantly, it would make him feel so strange.

Patton baked instead of summoning cakes because he loved the process, but Roman trained and took breaks because it made him feel more… human. Real princes got tired, felt pain and had to wait weeks for wounds to heal. Everything he did that reminded him that he was a Side made him feel so distant from Thomas. Sure, he still summoned the mystical dragon-witch to battle and lived in a field that never required rain to keep the emerald grass soft and beautiful, but using his powers too much just made his life feel so futile. If he could achieve all his dreams in a snap, then what is there to look forward to?

So he trained. He cleaned his sword. He lay on the ground in the sunlight, trying to lose himself and let his subconscious drift like the clouds, but mostly failing and hoping once again that everything would just go back to normal. It’s funny how bored you can get when there are infinite activities to do. Three days is a long time when you are trapped in someone’s head with no one to talk to. On a few occasions, he had considered popping up to chat with Thomas, but his ego triumphed over his desperation for social interaction. Normality is fleeing. You never know you have it until it vanishes, and you are left frantically searching for any shred of it; anything that can save you from the harsh chill of a reality with no context, history or story.

What’s a prince without a story? What’s a price without a value? What’s a pattern without correlation?


	3. How to Forget

Thomas wasn’t anxious. How could he be? Virgil had left.  
Obviously the Sides use the word “left” very loosely now – its meaning to them wasn’t one of permanence; it clearly was just a symbol that Virgil needed some peace. He would come back eventually – they all knew it was possible since he had done it before.

They all had an impact on Thomas when they wanted to – they let their linked emotions flow through Thomas like electricity, giving him the power to create, decide, feel, worry and… lie. But ever since Virgil backed out for the first time, he had spent more and more time unlinked. He didn’t mean to keep doing it, it was just that his aim was to protect Thomas from threats, and he was… a threat. It gave him a headache, really. If he wasn’t there, he couldn’t warn Thomas about the possible dangers that loomed in the shadows of every corner of reality, but if he was there, he would obviously be harming the sweet man, who didn’t deserve to feel those stupid, pathetic emotions.

This was the longest he had ever backed out. But there was no way he was going to let his childish worry about the new Side harm Thomas.

But as time ticked by, and his ears began to protest to the failing distraction of the pounding drumbeats, Virgil started to consider re-joining the others. His body was filled with fear – fear of coming back, fear of staying away, fear of Deceit, fear of himself. If he was Logan, he would probably make a chart debating the pros and cons of both options. It would be smooth, neat, clean, devoid of any emotion. It would be perfect. But he wasn’t Logan. He was Virgil, stupid, stupid Virgil, and his decisions were usually a product of the fight/flight response.

Remy was gone now, and the only thing that remained was a simple, faint echo of kindness, and two abandoned coffee cups which lay defeated on the floor, no longer protected by the vision of serenity which had abandoned him.

He was hopeless.

-

“This is hopeless!” Patton exclaimed, flinging the two cans of tuna across the room in a manner that was almost as dramatic as Roman. “I try to set up a game of Pattoncake to cheer us up, but we can’t even play without Virgil! This just reminds us that he’s missing!”

Just like he said, there was a prominent lack of that particular Side sulking in the corner.

“Well, Patton, didn’t you realise that we need Virgil to play?” Logan said, absent-mindedly inspecting the two tennis rackets.

“I guess I just thought we could make it work. Roman agreed to the idea. And he’s the Creative Side! Don’t you think he would’ve spoken up if he’d thought of a better idea?”

“I’m right here, you know, “ the prince said. “And I was too distracted by the pain of this candle wax on my hands! I don’t even know why I agreed to this again. Last time we played, I had nightmares for a month.”

“No, wasn’t that because Virgil said his hair’s prettier than yours?” Logan said, skilfully concealing a smirk.

“What? No. Definitely not. Certainly not. Um… Can we just not talk about this right now?”

“Ah, don’t worry, Roman. Your hair reminds me of a broken hoover right now!”

There was a slightly awkward silence after that seemingly disjointed remark, as Patton smiled and the other two simply stared with confusion.

“Is… that supposed to be a compliment, Pat?”

“Of course!”

“Why?”

“Because it really doesn’t suck!”

Roman smiled weakly at the moral Side, who was clearly trying his hardest to raise their spirits.

“Well, even though we never managed to play the game, I’d say we’ve been quite successful at having a bit of –“he pulled out a vocab card “-banter, even without Virgil. Not that I’m the best at recognising dynamics, though.”

“No, Logan, you’re doing a great job! And I agree – we’ve really been suck-cessful today!”

“Patton, what is it with you and hoovers?”

But before he could answer, he felt a tugging sensation on the back of his neck, succumbed to it, and was pulled up by Thomas, who was in the living room looking slightly worried.

“Hi, kiddo. What’s wrong?”

Patton had always been skilled at sensing people’s emotions. From a twitch of an eyelid, to the hint of a smile, to the ghost of a tear that whimpers in unseen isolation, the Side could mostly always predict what anyone was feeling, and would instantly feel the pressing urge to help them, save them, put their needs before any of his own. Some may call him reckless, others selfless, but all Patton wanted to do is to complete his job as the metaphorical caretaker of emotions – the guardian of any soul – whether they be friend, enemy or stranger.

Thomas’ expression shifted to one of utter surprise. “I was actually going to ask you the same question. I wanted to check you’re alright after the whole Deceit… incident. I’ve not spoken to you since, you know.”

“Aww, sorry, Thomas. I’ve just kinda been caught up with Virgil. That kid is so important to me, and I would be distraught if anything happened to him. I think… I might have a bit of a bad habit – I guess I tend to forget that you guys aren’t just one-sided figments; you each have your own sense of morality.” His cheeks grew slightly red. “I guess I struggle to remember that you guys care about me as much as I care about all of you.”

“No, Patton, that’s fine. It’s one of the things I love about having you as my Morality. It’s nice to know that someone’s always watching out for you! Just please don’t go overboard, okay. I spoke to Logan the other day, and he said he gave you some advice… please make sure to take it. You’re just as much a part of me as everyone else. And it wouldn’t exactly be good self-care to exclude part of myself, would it?” Thomas smiled. “So did Deceit hurt you at all? Where did he come from? Where did you go-“

“Cotton Eye Joe?” Patton intercepted, his usual playful grin creeping back onto his face. “No, I was just chilling in the mindscape. I only came up when I felt this disturbance in the atmosphere. I just kinda knew something was wrong!”

“But… but he was in your spot!”

“Those spots aren’t assigned, Thomas! We all just stand in those places ‘cause we feel like it. And I’d say they match our personalities pretty well. I could probably stand in Logan’s place for a video, but it might mess with people’s heads a bit. Deceit standing there was completely painless!"

“W… woah. I can’t believe I never knew that! I mean, you’re all parts of me; so why do you guys have separate knowledge to me? I thought my memories and your memories are one and the same?”

“It is pretty weird. I know Logan has this theory that while we’re all part of you, we’re still separate people. It’s as if we’re still humans, but we decided to spend our lives obsessing over yours – watching through a tiny window in your mind. I guess that’s why we know everything about you, but we all have different hobbies and traits!”

“So it’s kinda like you guys spend your lives watching a Netflix show… of me watching Netflix shows?”

“Yup! Oh, I just realised we never really talk to you at all about what we do in our free time.”

“Hmm,” said Thomas. “Did I seriously let you live in my head without ever really questioning it? Weird.”

Patton shrugged. “We have proper lives in there. It’s nice.”

“Don’t you ever get bored?”

“Not that often. We have our rooms to entertain us. If we want something, we can just summon it! Though…” The Side began to look strangely sombre. “It happens to all of us sometimes. A change in personality. Favourite hobbies become dull. Great music seems overplayed. Introverts find themselves craving company. Celebrities wish they could be out of the spotlight. Sometimes, I don’t feel like baking, or playing with my puppies, or doing anything, really. It all just seems so grey. But the other Sides are like a rainbow on those days, and I bet they feel the same; we all have those days. To me - though I might be wrong – I think it’s because of how unpredictable they are. You start talking to a Side and you have no idea where it might lead. It’s like an adventure with them. It’s at those times that I really understand… how much they mean to me.”

“Wow, Pat. I don’t think I’ve ever heard something so serious come out of your mouth. You really can be mature when you need to be.”

Patton hesitated, and then started to grin again. “So the worry I felt when you pulled me down here; was that because of me?”

“Oh, yeah. I just wanted to check that you were alright after Deceit’s appearance.”

“Of course! Honestly, I’ve been having the exact same feelings about Virge. He’s been gone for days now. He only normally does that when he feels worthless, and I don’t really know why that would be brought on by Deceit! You don’t think… they have history, do you?”

“Hmm. Maybe. I wondered what had happened. It’s hard to know these days, though.”

Patton made a confused noise.

“When Virgil left the first time, he was completely reluctant to come back. I couldn’t feel him at all. But now…” He looked puzzled. “It’s like he wants to come back but doesn’t. The ghost of his power is here. I still can feel fear, but it feels like it’s been diluted. You know when you make squash for the first time and add way too much water, to the point that it just tastes confused – not like squash or water, just this undrinkable mess of completely indistinguishable from its two harmless ingredients? That’s how I feel now. Virgil is conflicted. It’s happened before, too, but never to this level. It’s gone from 0% all the way up to 100% ever since the day he revealed his name. It’s like he’s here, but he doesn’t want to be. That’s why you can’t feel it. That’s why I don’t feel scared, just weird. It’s not even anxiety. It’s just confusion.”

“I miss him so much, Thomas.”

“Me too, Pat.”

There was a comfortable silence for a moment.

“I might go back to the mindscape. See if he wants to talk.”

Thomas smiled at the Side. “Good look, Dad. Use some of that charm.”

Patton gasped. “You… You called me…!” He sunk down at lightning speed, squealing in excitement. Thomas chuckled. His moral Side really was adorable sometimes.

-

He knocked, but nobody care.  
He called, but nobody came.  
His knock was a question, to which there was no answer.  
He knocked. He knocked. He called. He knocked. He sat. He whispered. He knocked.

But nobody came.

He knocked.

He sighed.

He left.

The door opened.

A tear landed on the floor.

But nobody came.

The door shut. The tear remained.


	4. Recovery

Logan was reading through his notebooks on that cold February morning, when he became aware of a small tugging on the back of his neck. It was the sort of feeling that only came about when something was being vaguely considered, and was impossible to forget; that thought that gets stuck at the back of your mind, and you have no idea whether to think about it or not. Obviously, now, it was the former, as the logical Side could detect an ongoing increase in intensity with each second that passed. Not wanting to be seized up at the last second (It was a responsible Side’s role to appear with dignity, of course), Logan decided to appear to Thomas of his own accord; unlike Patton, who almost seemed to enjoy being summoned in a frenzy. Ah, he will never understand the ways of his counterparts.

Anyway, he appeared to Thomas in his usual elegant matter, interrupting his muttering. A camera stood on a tripod in front of him, which was a clear indication that something was wrong. None of the Sides had an issue with him recording their conversations when he had a problem to sort; Logan even found it sort of eloquent and classy – talking through problems which tended to be relatable to his fans. Obviously they all still spoke to Thomas off video. Patton had a fondness for appearing to watch television with him, mostly reruns of shows like Parks and Recreation, shows which did absolutely nothing to enlarge his mental capacity.

“Oh, hi Logan!”

“Don’t give me that look, Thomas. Something’s been bothering you. Something that – “he pulled out a flashcard “ya boi - needs to solve. I know you’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”

“Wow… Logan. That was a lot to take in.”

“I know I used the phrase in the right context. Patton helped me.” He said that last part in a slightly softer voice, one that was quite unnatural for him. Thomas couldn’t really figure out the reason. “So, what’s been disrupting your focus now?”

“I’m… I guess I… I’m just a bit… jea-“

“I can be involved too, you know!”

Thomas and Logan flinched at the sudden appearance of Roman, and the former let out a slightly embarrassing scream.

“Well that was rude. I come here, great Prince Roman, here to save the day and kill whatever problem is plaguing you, and you react how? By screaming as if I was…” his face scrunched in disgruntlement “Virgil.”

“We were kinda in the middle of something here, Princey,” Thomas said with a sigh.

“Well I’m joining in.”

“Thomas, what were you going to say before we were so rudely interrupted?” This was met with what could only be described as a pout from Roman.

“I suppose you could say that I’m just a little bit… jealous?”

“You seem unsure of yourself.”

“Well I don’t want to just admit it, do I? Like ‘hey, you know what, I’m super jealous of my friends right now haha. I’m a terrible person. Anyone down for an episode of The Office?’ It wouldn’t exactly work, Logan.”

“I’m down for an episode anytime, kiddo. I thought you knew that!” Patton sprung up, then looked around the room. “Oh.”

“Would everyone stop interrupting? I’m trying to have a serious conversation with Thomas here.”

“Aww, so you’re not gonna catch me up, Logan? I came up here to watch TV with him, and now I just have to jump into a conversation that’s already started? That’s like walking into a room halfway through an episode!”

“Thomas is jealous of his friends. There you go, everyone’s happy, no more interruptions, let’s continue. So why are you jealous? What are you even jealous of? You have a stable job, good social life, lots of fans, and are progressing well in life. I don’t really see any issue.”

“You seem to be having fun, and I’ve not sensed any negative emotions from you for a while,” added Patton.

“Wait, guys. Just because he’s not felt negative doesn’t mean he feels positive. Not about everything, at least.”

“What do you mean, Roman?” inquired Logan.

“Sure, he’s accomplishing his goals. He’s got a good social life. But does he have a great social life? Is he smashing his goals in the face with the metaphorical sword we call strive? Debatable. You have lots of subscribers. But some people have more. I know it sounds kinda bad, but I can’t help wanting to beat those who are better than us.” The prince seemed slightly distraught, and it almost seemed as though he was only becoming aware of the actual intensity of his emotions as he was talking about them.

“Wait, Roman,” Patton chimed in. “These are your friends! I can’t believe you’d think about them like that.”

“I know! And that’s why it’s bad. I love our friends so much, we all do. But sometimes, you know, you gotta think about the facts; which are; you might not be better than them. Think about it. Imagine if…” he snapped his fingers and the living room vanished, in favour of a football field. “- you were all being selected by-” Two people appeared, looking surprisingly like Roman. “…Unknown entities and being placed into teams.” The others looked vaguely confused. “The resemblance is coincidental. Anyway, who would get chosen first? Who would be chosen last? What if that was us? Sure, our friends care, but how much? What if we’re the weak link here?”

“Roman, think about this logically. I still have no idea why I was the first to appear, when you’re clearly the most passionate, but remember what I said at the start? We have a good life, and fans who support us. Some of our friends don’t even do YouTube! We’re clearly superior in that respect.”

Thomas joined the conversation. “Logan, what you sensed, I’m pretty sure you were supposed to feel it. You probably know this already, from what you felt, but this has been on my mind for a while lately. And I kept telling myself: ‘Thomas, what would Logan say? You shouldn’t be jealous of people you care about when you’re doing great for yourself!’ But it just wasn’t working. That constant nagging feeling was me trying to understand the logic behind this; trying to stop thinking this awful way, but it just won’t stick!”

“Well maybe you are just a tad insecure, kiddo. But what of? You shouldn’t feel so pressured by your friends. They are supposed to be the people you turn to when you feel bad!”

“But how are we supposed to give them that responsibility when we have no idea what is going on inside their heads? What if every time we’re with them, they’re constantly thinking about how much they wish we’d go away because they just hate us so much?”

“Roman-“

“Look at this text Joan sent us yesterday. I sent them a meme. They replied ‘that’s funny’. How am I supposed to know what that means? Sure, they could mean what they said, but look at the context! Why does it just feel so… cold? Clearly, they hate us and wish we would stop bombarding them with texts that just annoy them!”

“Roman, stop right now. Clearly there’s a different issue here. I understand now: we aren’t just facing jealousy. We’re facing insecurity.” Logan said, looking concerned.

“Insecurity?” Patton asked. “But can’t that be solved quickly? Thomas always talks to his friends when he feels insecure. It’s never really been an issue.”

“But this… this feels like a different type. I don’t know why, but something about this feels like something we shouldn’t just share.”

“What do you mean, Thomas?”

“You know what you just said, about me always talking to my friends whenever I feel bad.”

“Yeah?”

“What if I’m doing that too much? What if my friends find me kinda exhausting to speak too?”

“Of course, they won’t. That’s why they’re friends with you,” countered Logan.

“But guys, I guess the thing is… I don’t think I want to keep telling them about my insecurities either. It’s hard to explain.”

“Do it!” encouraged Patton. “You can trust us. We won’t judge you for it. We are you!”

“Alright. I just feel like, every day I look around, and I see all these people. Normal people. People who can just effortlessly mention that they are free the next day and instantly make plans. People who can talk and have everyone else quiet down and listen, like what they say really matters to everyone else. People who are thought of even when they’re not there. People who can just live life and solve their problems without constantly bombarding their friends with descriptions of their insecurity. They’re my friends, not therapists. Other people don’t do it. Other people don’t feel constantly like they aren’t good enough. I’m not just insecure. I’m… jealous of people who aren’t. Who don’t have to be. Who aren’t… stuck in the habit of feeling bad and can’t just ignore it.”

There was a silence.

“Kiddo, why don’t you just tell them that. They could help you!”

“Didn’t you just hear what I said, Pat?” The moral Side flinched slightly. “It feels like I’m addicted to doing that! It helps in the short term, but just makes me feel worse later on.”

“So what do we do?” Logan was intrigued.

“Honestly, guys, I have no idea. I just wish I could stop feeling like this all the time. I miss the days where I was just… happy.”

The room fell silent, once more, but this time it felt more melancholy.

Finally, Roman spoke up. “Wowee, for someone with no Anxiety, you are quite anxious. You don’t think this is because of him, do you?”

“I don’t think so, Roman. I don’t think I’ve told you, but I can feel him distinctly at the back of my mind now. He wants to come back. But he doesn’t think he can. This feeling… it’s not related to Virge. I just know it.”

“It’s sort of weird, though. Roman seems to be doing a splendid job at acting like him. I almost didn’t notice his absence,” said Logan.

“Yeah, now you mention it, is everything alright there, Princey?” asked Thomas.

“I’m fine… I think. I guess when you’re insecure, your dreams can easily turn into nightmares. What Thomas just said then… that’s exactly what I seem to be thinking more and more these days. There’s no point in dreams if you are addicted to putting yourself down.” He looked at the floor. “I want all these things, but no matter how hard I try to just do them like normal, the next thing I know you’re texting your friends about how bad you feel! I… have no idea what’s happening anymore. My head hurts. The only thing I can say is… wait, what?”

Roman was rubbing his eyes while he was speaking, and his hands were now smudged with black. “Am I wearing eyeshadow? Wait, no, that’s not important. Does it look good?”

Patton squealed. “Virgil? Is that you? Why are you wearing Roman’s outfit?”

“Nope, it’s still me, Pat. Only one prince could slay eyeshadow this well,” he said, some of his usual swagger leaking back into his voice.

Logan stepped in. “Well this is… good… and all, but I still feel like we need some extra input here. I don’t really believe in fate, but something is telling me that Virgil wouldn’t really have an impact on this dilemma.”

“Ah, if only there were an extra Side who could help us. Shame.”

“Uh, Roman? Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked Patton.

Roman paused, thought for a second, and then gasped. “NO!”

“Come on, Roman. Give him a chance!”

“Never. We cannot bring that… thing in here!”

“He could help us!”

“Aren’t you forgetting his effect on Virgil? And you heard Thomas. He really wants to come out. What if he’s nearly ready? If he realises what we did, it would be a huge setback for him. No.” Pure rage was evident in his voice.

“Show a bit of compassion, Roman.”

“I am. Towards Virgil. Not the traitor who mentally scarred him!”

“Patton,” asked Logan, somehow staying calm despite the heated argument unfolding before him. “I thought you were the most worried out of all of us about Virgil. Has something happened?”

“No, I still am! I care about him so much. It’s just… I also care about Thomas. We don’t just have one problem here, we have three. Virgil coming back, Thomas’ insecurity, and Deceit.”

“And doesn’t one of those stick out to you?”

“Honestly, no, not really. We’re in charge of Thomas here. And all these problems are related to Thomas. I think you’ve got me a bit confused. Morality doesn’t mean being ‘morally right’ all the time, whatever that means. It means taking paths that will cause less emotional stress in the long run. Waiting for Virge means that Thomas will be suffering for longer. And any true part of Thomas will understand that and not be upset when he finds out. Virgil’s whole goal is protecting Thomas right? Maybe we should do his job for him. Even if that means bringing Deceit up for a small chat.”

“Not when Virgil won’t even talk to us, his friends, because of Deceit’s impact! Not when we’ve been doing everything we can to encourage him and make him feel comfortable here! It’s his job to make fight or flight decisions. I thought you were the moral Side. Why don’t you understand this?” Both Sides were clearly getting worked up.

“Well I believe in true happiness and trust. Even if I sometimes have to be… slightly pushy about it. We eventually need Deceit to feel like he belongs. Maybe someday he could be valuable to us? Virgil started out as a bit of a storm cloud, too, remember? He got redeemed. Why would we leave Deceit out of a discussion that we need his contribution to? That’s just cruel. We need as much help as we can get here to make Thomas feel better.”

Roman was nearly shouting now. “BUT WHAT ABOUT VIRGIL? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PRIORITISING THE SNAKE OVER OUR FRIEND?”

Logan stepped in. “As much as I hate to admit it, I, too, understand where Patton is going with this. Think about this logically. We have no idea when Virgil will come out. Yes, Thomas said that Virgil desires to be back. But we all know how stubborn and self-deprecating he gets. If he distrusts himself, he has the motivation to stay away from us for years. We need to use known information to make this choice. Of course, we could be wrong, and he could be preparing to come back right this second, but we have no idea. What we do know is that Thomas has a problem which can be solved instantly. Yes, there is the possibility of it being a setback for Virgil. But since the length of his time away from us is unknown, we have to treat it like an infinite. It’s a risky but necessary chance we have to take for Thomas’ sake.”

“But… Virgil…” pleaded Roman, softly.

“Virgil will just have to wait,” concluded Logan.

Roman looked undoubtedly shocked at this conclusion, and Thomas was simply standing there, staring at his usually quite peaceful Sides with indignation. “Pat, are you really alright? I’ve never seen you this sure about something before.”

The prince stared deep into Patton’s eyes and whispered seriously “Patton. Can you hear me? If Deceit has taken you hostage inside your own body, blink twice.”

“Roman, I’m fine, I promise. Morality doesn’t just mean telling jokes occasionally. It’s about Thomas’ emotional wellbeing. It hurts me so much to do this, but even dads have to make hard choices sometimes.” This was a darker side of Patton. He seemed older, torn apart, as if he knew the world’s secrets and was unwilling to share each detail for fear that they may scar them.

“But what if he doesn’t help at all? What if we act on this decision and get Deceit in here and it’s all for nothing? We’re not people, we’re emotions. We have our links! Virgil will be able to sense the change, I know it.” He seemed desperate now.

Patton glanced at him through faintly bloodshot eyes. “Roman, I’m so, so sorry. This is so hard for me. I love Virgil, and I love you, and all the other Sides too, and if there was a path that would protect everyone, I would take it without hesitation. But there isn’t, and the one thing I’ve learned over these years is that indecision does nothing for a person - it’s better to make a choice and live through the consequences than to stay in this brutal limbo for eternity. We can’t finish a Sanders Sides video without a problem being solved.”

Roman looked utterly defeated. “I guess we should just do this then. But just keep in mind that I don’t trust this. Not at all.” He stared down at his feet with a terrifyingly blank expression on his usually animated face. “Pull me up when you have the snake. I need… a bit of time by myself.” He sunk down, slowly, before anyone could think of something; anything; to say that would make this situation less dire. 

Thomas, Logan and Patton were left by themselves in the room, which now seemed quite empty.

“Should we… do this, then?” Thomas asked.

-

Deceit was just sitting there. The three didn’t know what they expected him to be doing, because somehow, anything he did was a surprise to them. Sure, they had been talking about him for the past five minutes, but actually seeing him after all the emotions that had risen and fallen since his first appearance was… startling. Kind of like running into a long lost friend from school who you have memories of but can’t fathom doing anything other than sitting at the desk next to yours. Seeing them as an adult brings a sense of confusion that you just can’t explain. Seeing Deceit, in his room, surrounded by those cliché smoke and mirrors that somehow still filled them with a strange sense of foreboding felt unmistakably real, as if the rest of their lives had merely been but a dream.

“Well, look who’s finally arrived.”


End file.
